My Self

Sometimes I wish I could communicate in earnest with the inner workings of my own mind.

The idea of self-identity is an interesting topic, and maybe one of the most paralyzing for an unlucky few. The idea of ‘who we think we are’ is a driving force behind much of how humanity works. It is an utterly illogical concept that completely disregards any realistic positioning, yet every human holds it so tightly to their being, to such an extent that we would raise arms to those who question what we believe we are.

It encompasses morality, achievements, failures, perceived strengths, perceived weaknesses, and more. I am a prisoner to the person that my brain thinks I am and should be.

Am I who my friends are? What I work as? What I believe in? What I have done? What I wear? What I wish could be true for any of the prior? Am I how I react without thought, or with premeditation? Am I the habits and dedications I wish I could have, what I currently do, or what I used to do?

The answer is I am everything.

The crux of what makes each human one-of-a-kind is not any single differentiating factor, but the exponential uniqueness that is driven by each in unison.

It’s interesting how I can simultaneously hold so much self pride while being immeasurably disappointed in myself. I recently went on this whole philosophical digression about how quite literally everything exists in balance, yin and yang, many things require periodic alternation to perform optimally, and other things require simultaneous existence of two sides to regulate the other. I wonder what is true for pride and shame?

My Ego

I do not talk about ego in the neo-psychological words of Carl Jung, nor do I mean it in the sense of Stoic philosophers, or any other takes prevalent today that either fictionalize human nature as magical rituals or restate obvious concepts in an unnecessarily long-winded fashion. I simply mean it in the sense of the perspective from which the very last sentence was written from.

The ego I hold in regard to what I think I should be, trips me before starting any activity that I wish to start.

I wish no greater harm than that towards the illogical, detestable fear itself, which I hold towards the possibility of my own ego unwrapping. And yet, I have experienced failure before, embarrassment, shame, what could I possibly have to fear? I do not think I dread the consequence of any happening, be it exposing my ineptitudes, lack of achievement or otherwise, I think the thing I dread is that the ego which I am controlled by was actually controlled by me.

I sit here and write as if I am powerless to change, yet no one can answer how to start.

For if I simply do something different, then the ego which I blame for holding me back does not exist as an excuse, and I must take responsibility for my own inability at a point in time where there is no responsibility that need be held anymore.

To change my ego I must change my self, but to change my self I must change my ego. And that is my dilemma.

Postscript

Through this writing, I was able to consciously process the two elements that are at war within me. Effectively, a slightly more convoluted version of Who I am and What I want to be fighting against each other. I would like to sever the loop of my current inner-self that keeps me from real progress, happiness, and more. I believe this first post is the start to that process.